Completely Incomplete

Too much math homework. Over 140 questions. Really?

Why am I even doing this stupid subject? I have no use for it and frankly it is a total waste of time. And so now I’ll probably have to stay up into the early hours or morning just to finish this stupid report and it’s stupid interviews. If I could go back in time, I would tell myself to go choose Physics instead of this subject even if it’s hard. Stupid subject. I don’t want to do this :(

I can’t sleep. An after effect of the formal perhaps?

I hate this. I really do. Why do I have to like him and why now? I don’t want to sound like some angsty, depressed teen but I really don’t want to like him. I hate to admit it but my thoughts are like full of him and I can’t even begin to believe that there is jealousy coursing within me but sadly I think there is. What makes matters worse is that this is a person that I actually talk to at times. But whenever I’m near him I feel somewhat nervous. Or at first I don’t and then I suddenly notice his presence and then I do. It was better with my old crushes when I hardly spoke to the other person and as weird as it sounds, admired them from afar.

I hate this stupid pang in my chest every time I think about him. Not him in particular but being noticed by him. I want to be and yet I don’t? I wonder if it’s noticeable to some people. How my eyes unconsiously look for him in a crowd to see if he’s near me. Or how I think about whether he’s seen something I’ve done, which is kind of stupid because I’m not exactly that close to him so I’d doubt he cares. I hate how I end up looking at him during the breaks and I hate how I beat myself up about it when I do. I really hope that this crush isn’t noticeable, simply because things would get awkward and I’d hate that. Also because of the fact that he spends so much time with one particular girl. In my honest opinion, I ship them. I want them to he together and the sooner the better, so hopefully I can forget about this bothersome crush. I think liking him has also clouded my judgement because now I’m starting to dislike the girl even though she’s a good person. But that dislike is also due to the jealousy I feel toward her - jealousy for being skinny, smart, friendly and able to get along with people I never could.

I hate this. I really do. I just want it to end. I want to stop creating make-believe scenarios where he likes me becaus the chances of that are unlikely. I want to stop being fazed by him when I look at him directly. I want to stop wanting him to ignore me but at the same time notice me. I want to stop finding it awkward being near him.

In truth, I’ve tried avoiding him and banishing him from my thoughts but somehow it always fails. I refuse to believe that statement that if you like someone for over ___ months then you are in love simply because I’ve liked him for a while and I don’t want to have anything to do with him. Honestly, I don’t even know why I like him. Sure at times he’s nice and easy to talk to but at other times he can be a real jerk. I suppose he is good looking but not excessively.

I really don’t like this. I mean I don’t think I’ve liked him as much as I do now. I’m hoping this is some climax to my crush and then it’ll suddenly come to a stop. I really do. I suppose all I can do for now is suppress my feelings. Starting Monday morning I’ll only look his way accidentally. I won’t search him out and I won’t think about him. This rant will be one of the last times he is an important part of my mind. I’ll try to avoid him which should be easy. What I hate about this is that I hardly talk to him at all and if I avoid him it’s just like ensuring that there will be no contact with him. It’s only for now though and I won’t make it too obvious. Just talk when necessary. It’s better this way. Hopefully I can end this and get rid of these stupid feelings. Crushes suck.

I don’t even want to do this.

It’s not even school related. Or report related.

Frankly, I don’t care. Why am I even trying?

I should just write: “As a political figure, I would help climate change by promoting efficient usage in regards to carbon emitting household objects.” And be done with it. Then I should fill up the rest of the two minutes by re-recording everything whilst speaking slower and add cool music and transitions. 

If only.

Music Competition

So today I performed a piece for the school’s music competition. It was.. okay. I stuffed up quite a bit, seeing that I didn’t actually practice the entire song by myself beforehand and I just learnt the words on the day. But I’ve known how to play the song for quite a quite now, and it was one I didn’t have a lot of difficulty singing. I sang and played “She Will Be Loved” by Maroon 5 on guitar.

There was reassurance that I went well but it wasn’t my best. There is a extremely likely chance that I’m not going to win, considering all the pro people I was up against, but still I tried. That in itself is a big deal, seeing that singing in front of people isn’t something I regularly do, especially in front of teachers and such. Besides my music teacher, I only performed in front of like 7 people, all of them my friends and all of then really really nice. 

I also received my mark for my music performance, which was 16/20. It was average I suppose, I lost one mark in every aspect, but that was okay since I don’t do lessons and I was sick on the day. 

I suppose I should continue (or start actually) the second half of my STARS science presentation, seeing that it is tomorrow and it’s already like nearly 9pm, and I have to record my voice which I don’t want to do too late. I hate procrastination and since I have to present it to people of other schools, I don’t want it to be horrible. I don’t want it to be too good though, because I definitely don’t want it to be chosen as the best in the small group and shown to the entire group of smart science people. Oh and apparently, our photo is going to be taken for the school newsletter and magazine. I have no idea whether I’m supposed to be happy about that.

I should get off now. I want to sleep sometime soon.

bookmania:

“Reading was my escape and my comfort, my consolation, my stimulant of choice: reading for the pure pleasure of it, for the beautiful stillness that surrounds you when you hear an author’s word reverberating in your head.” ~Paul Auster, The Brooklyn Follies (by Minugia)